I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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