This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Four minutes until I can fart!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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