Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
