hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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