hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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