i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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