It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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