Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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