6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
is it fun? or sober?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
