I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
