So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.