Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out