Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
