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Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
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