i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
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I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
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Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle