Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.