we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
There are leaves in my underwear?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
