farters have to be the big spoon...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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