Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
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He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
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I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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