omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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