Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
