I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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