I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
