yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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