Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
