i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
