I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
