I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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