hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
