I think I died a long time ago.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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