It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
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"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
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I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
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