Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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