I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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