she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
