I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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