I just threw up on my dentist
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
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so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
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Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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