I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize