if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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