im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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