First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I can't trust your balls anymore.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
