Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
