i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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