That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
