I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
