I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
