Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
