a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
