Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
