I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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