i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
