I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
