I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
