Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
