piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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