the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I enjoy the company of your penis
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
