I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
