I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
