wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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