I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
