The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
