i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
