New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
