people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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