I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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